“I think I need to keep my distance from you” were the words that appeared in a text message from a good friend of mine. Immensely confused, I asked why. “This isn’t against you in any way” was the response that I had received. Unresponsive, my coffee-induced headache made me stare at my bedroom ceiling, uncertain if what I read was honest and unsure of how I truly felt. Until it hit me moments later, feeling as though an arrow had been blindly shot into my heart. I was heartbroken. My mind was riddled with questions that I knew I would not get the answer to. Intuitively, I felt something was wrong, but I had no evidence to suspect anything was terrible. I felt powerless.
After the confusion had subsided, I began to go into self-attack mode. Intrusive thoughts such as ‘it must be me; I am the problem” and ‘I am not good enough’ flooded my brain. It is straightforward to fall into a headspace of self-loathing when someone you care about rejects you. After I began journaling and reflecting on this experience, something clicked in my brain. The reality is that no matter what the reason is, whether you’re at fault or not, it does not serve you any good to fall into the trap of self-hate. It is common to outgrow friendships at any stage, especially as we age. We are molded and shaped by our life experiences and interactions with others as we age. It is almost naive to assume that our ideas, values, and desires will not change in time. It is naive of us to believe that people stay the same when we are forever changing, to some degree. You are not the same person you were a year ago, and you will not be the same person a year from now.
Here are five strategies that have helped me let go of a friendship with love in my heart:
1. Remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. Someone else’s decision to let go of a friendship does not mean that you are unlikeable or not worthy of real love and connection because you are. We often blame others, or ourselves, for the demise of a friendship. With any relationship, the loss can be overwhelming and sad. You are grieving over someone/people you have lost physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And it can take time to heal those wounds. But remember that someone else’s opinion of you, and the choices they have made regarding you, do not define your character and who you are. Only you can do that to yourself.
2. Practice self-care. When you have lost someone you care about, it can take a toll on your self-esteem and self-worth. You can reframe your perspective by placing that focus away from the other person(s) and situation and onto yourself. Do you enjoy binging on Netflix? Maybe you love running until your legs feel like jello? Perhaps you love to calm your mind with meditation? Whatever self-care looks like to you, practicing it will help you move forward while feeling good about yourself.
3. Trust your intuition. I am guilty of ignoring my intuition when it has warned me of something. It is uncomfortable, especially if there is no proof to validate your feelings. However, trusting your intuition can save you from much future discomfort and pain if you listen and trust in it. Your innate guidance tool, your compass, can help guide you to a path that resonates with who you are and where you want to be in life.
4. Do not isolate. It is easy to fall into depression and self-loathing when someone you cared for, and trusted, no longer wants to maintain a friendship with you. Just because it didn’t work out with this friend does not mean you should not get out there and show the world who you are and what you’re made of. While one friendship may have ended, something new can begin. New companies, projects, ideas, and even a new perspective and attitude can open up if you allow yourself the love and freedom to explore.
5. Let go. Letting go does not mean setting fire to a box of your favorite shared items of you and your friend in a fit of rage. Truly letting go means holding those memories close to your heart, knowing that you shared those experiences, and being grateful for them. Cherishing memories, and respecting the time that the friendship blossomed, is a beautiful way of acknowledging that you came into each other’s lives at the right moment and the right time to love and explore together. Letting go requires embracing these memories and wishing the other person(s) well. With no contempt/anger/resentment in your heart, you can fully appreciate what you had together, even if it was only for a few moments in your lifetime.
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