Filled with anger, discontent, and emotional pain, I impulsively decide to state precisely how I feel about the toxic people in my life via text message, then delete them. They are harmful because I never set boundaries with others – I never felt the need to in the past until I moved to Los Angeles. And because of that, I have been severely mistreated, devalued, judged, criticized, shamed, insulted, and invalidated. I would stick around for the bare minimum in friendships, for crumbs, in exchange for my undevoted loyalty and love. My sense of self would gradually diminished, blaming myself for not being enough.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not accepted? Why do I need to be better?
This spiraled into a rabbit hole of self-hatred where I would spend days crying, wishing I had someone to love and support me.
I never realized how important having a solid social support system was until I moved to a different country, alone and how my experience with toxic friends and friend groups created a bottomless pit of loneliness, isolation, and despair. This triggers me because I was bullied in high school, which reminds me of that experience. I convinced myself, as a child, that it’ll be okay when I grow up and become an adult because they are just immature now, and I had hope that being an adult meant that people loved and respected one another. Oh, how I was so blind and naive. Adults may never grow out of a pattern of abusing people. It only occurs through self-realization and introspection. That is something that I cannot change.
So, I am left with the unfortunate decision to purge those who do not serve me or my higher good. As lonely as this may be, it is necessary for my mental health and sanity. Leave a comment if you have gone through something similar.
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